fears and goals

There has been a lot of discussion in my writer groups about acknowledging our weaknesses and overcoming our fears to reach our goals.  The goals are specific to our writing career and have many levels from the pinnacles that can be reached to how to spend the few hours designated to our writing today.

Two of my author friends, Melissa and Jenna posted about fear today because of these discussions.  Both of them have a different view, both are content within their careers but do want to achieve greater success.  Both of these ladies smile easily, have great laughs and radiate fun.  They love their families and enjoy their careers yet are currently wondering about what fears they may have, that are holding them back from a goal to be a success.

As I’ve read these discussions about goals and fears, I began to feel the concerns about fear and success was more about judgments.  Like others have the power to judge our success and we are required to meet that success or be judged a failure.  Does a writer have to be a a famous celebrity to be a success?  Is Tess now a success because her series is being “made for TV”?

I posted about personal success as a goal, not recognition according to others, money, or lists.   I’m not sure if it is possible to be afraid of personal success.   Can we fear happiness?  Personally, I can’t, but maybe others can. 

As happens, when I weed through all the events in my life, there is usually a pearl handed to me according to the question in my mind.  Elizabeth Boyle posted about having received copies of her novel published in Japanese, Dutch, and Czech.  Elizabeth is an International & NY Times Bestselling author and she was excited to check her web stats and see “diehard fans have dropped by from 95 different countries and territories. 95?! In just the last 30 days?!”

So Elizabeth is certainly a success.  And yet…  The bookstore manager – 5 minutes from her home – will not display her novels on the Local Author promo rack because – they are romances.

intensive

Seven years ago, when my personal life was under wild stress events, an editor thought one of my novels had merit, just not for her.  That gentle rejection was like a beacon of hope, which shows my life was pretty damn dark.   From that tiny spark, I reentered the world of novel writing and found my Rose City Romance Writers group.

I’d taken a three year hiatus from writing romances, to learn to write narrative nonfiction.  Returning to the world of Romancelandia was scary.  Its a world full of conflict and drama, rejections and months of isolated work, but also lots of fun, friends, laughter, love stories and chocolate.  Only three years later I was again taking a hiatus from fiction to learn life lessons and new ways of writing.  But I held on to my friends and this wonderful group became my personal support and mentors, even if only for a few hours each month.

This past weekend I attended a wonderful intensive.

One day with Michael Hauge entertaining us with the depths and breaths of – the power of transformation within story and the themes behind the journey from fear to courage.

One day with Bob Mayer tracking us quickly through the past two decades of the world of publishing and how we reflect the stories we need to tell.  Stories are the Special Forces in our lives. 

I’m totally aware of how life can change in a moment, with either an illness or accident.  I had time, this past weekend, to be in a favorite place and reflect on how I’ve lived a journey from courage to fear – and back.  I’m inspired not only with new tools and techniques for this craft of story but also more delight in the friendships forming, the potentials beginning.

the moon crossed uranus

Today was filled with many little details required to complete RIGHT NOW! to achieve big things.

My sister is the astrologer but I put her on that path in 1996.  As she dove into the deep end, I not only got daily pages via email of her journey, she used mine and Ed’s birth data for her journey.  This was beneficial because she’d ask about what was going on during a specific time frame in our past and I could give her events.  Then she would inform me about all the planetary energies in process at those events.

I learned astrology by osmosis.  There was a website with point-n-click charts at www.astro.com and I took the next step.  I learned astrology in self-defense.  Not even my sister, who I loved and trusted, was going to tell me about my journey through life according to the stars.  I am master of my own destiny.

I respect astrology as a very scientific tool at our fingertips now.  It is beneficial to understand a little bit about it, not as a superstition or blueprint, but to embrace that more energies are at play in the universe that can make our personal life a bit more fun and awesome.

So – Uranus in the skies today is in Pisces and the Moon crossed the degree.  Uranus moves really slow and the moon moves really fast.   Uranus is the planet associated with sudden changes, radical ideas, surprise.   The moon, in its current first quarter stage is “initiating” and a good time for planting.

In my life there are two big things going on, and a bunch of little things.

I’m the registration coordinator for a mini-writers-conference this weekend, with the closing of registration set for tomorrow.  So of course, there was all kinds of activity as attendees wanted to get registered before the final cut.   On top of that, Ed has an airplane he’s swapping for another airplane.  Ours is in Oregon, the new one in Phoenix, and while the paperwork is done, there is the issue of getting the planes from where they are based to their new homes.  I’m not going to explain pilots.  They are species of their own.  But the issue with the sale being completed is – the weather.  You can’t fly from Oregon to Phoenix or vice-versa unless the weather is on your side – at least for a few days.    Which is happening now.

So – sudden change and surprise, with initiating energy. New stuff is happening.

I’m working on writing a romance novel.  I really need to have my characters floating on the waves right now, before I make the drive shaft on their boat implode, and have a near miss collision with a freighter, before the enigmatic hero of the story rescues them and the heroine meets the one man she has always dreaded meeting.

I will spend the weekend with a few dozen professional storytellers.  What I will face next week is anyone’s guess.  I love a good story.  A page turner.  I’m still not sure about how I feel about living within one.

I’ll figure that out when I turn the next page.

collage

The workshop yesterday was making collages.  Ann Roth is a delightful author I’ve met many times these past six years since I’ve worked to get the conflict and drama out of my life and into my stories.   I’ve attended many workshops and conferences, where the speaker is so delighted at sharing their awesome truth, that I sometimes feel too tired to try something new.  I’ve been working on story boarding, and moving colored post-it notes around a poster board was making all kinds of plot points click.  I’ll be attending a special mini-conference this weekend with Michael Hauge and Bob Mayer presenting.   I was feeling a little overwhelmed with craft and plot and want to be WRITING.

I arrived on time for the workshop, and expected to just chill and observe.  How quaint, a collage workshop.  The big guns will be next weekend.  Except Ann Roth had requested everyone bring magazines, scissors, glue.  She arrived with a pile of bland manila folders to hand out.  She stood at the front of the room with her delightful smile and stated, she had only planned to help a fellow author do a collage presentation at the national conference.   Her reaction was “how quaint, a collage.”  But the author was a friend so Ann decided to wander around Michaels Craft store for a few hours with an open mind.  Sort of like the date scenario from The Artists Way.

Like many, I groaned in jealousy at the concept of wandering Michaels Crafts store for hours.

After a few minutes of talking, Ann then waved us to the work part of the workshop.  I entered the creativity space with an OK, cool, I’ll see if there’s any synchronicity here for me today.  I randomly selected a few magazines, got my manila folder and found a quiet space to sit down.  I picked up the first magazine and slowly fanned the pages – then – there it was – this picture of a woman in a sassy dress.  I recognized her immediately.  One of the secondary characters of my current novel, that deserves a story of her own someday.  She was wearing the dress I had described in words, her smile huge, her hands extended as if reaching toward me in a hug.

I suddenly became delighted in my search for creative insight.  The Muse works in mysterious ways.

The Muse has a wicked sense of humor for the willing novelist.  I’m willing.

A grander adventure

Last night my hubby went to his monthly EAA chapter meeting.

The speaker, I’ll call him “The Man of the Hour” or MH, was scheduled to tell his story about getting his DC3 pilot classification.  This was a long term goal for MH, required lots of planning and money.  MH arrived in Florida from Oregon at 9pm and met his instructors, who were full of apologies.

They couldn’t grant MH the two weeks of training.  They were loading up a DC4 because the Haiti earthquake had just happened.  But if MH was willing – he could get his flying time with them.  He could go to his hotel, get a few hours of sleep, and join them when they deployed at 1am.  Which MH did.  Within an hour in the air, MH was flying as pilot-in-command, while the two exhausted instructors caught some rest.

For those two weeks, MH from Troutdale, Oregon, barely slept more than 3 hours a day.  Back and forth to Haiti.  Load the plane in Florida, unload in Haiti.  The damaged airport overflowed with airplanes and crews doing the same thing – flying flags from every country around the world.

MH helped teams unearth survivors, and moved on when victims were unreachable, to help those in need.  The devastation, MH states, was far greater than shown on the news.  The crews spoke every language, and communicated through compassion and a few hand signals.  Locals lined the fences of the airport, blank faces, babies in arms, small sacks of their life within reach, hoping to leave.

After his 2 weeks, MH returned to Oregon with his DC4 classification, instead of his DC3, and the request to return because his help would be appreciated.

The presentation scheduled for last night, was a failure.  MH did not get his DC3 ticket.  The pictures and adventure MH presented for a few dozen pilots was not expected.  It connected everyone in the room to a global community, overflowing with compassion, because of a dream that failed, and the actions of one man in the moment.

MH did not go to Florida to fly disaster relief missions to Haiti.  But he was there at the moment when someone asked, can you help?  And he said yes.

busy stars

My sister called to see how I handled Mars in retrograde crossing my ascendant.   Yes, astrology is a language of it’s own.  She asked if I was OK, and didn’t slice off a finger or anything.

Oh.

Well, there is this corner cupboard that my grandson is allowed to play in.  While making dinner on Sunday, I had to pull everything out to find the grater jammed in the far back corner.  Picture me, on my knees, leaning inside a cupboard to my waist, reaching into the dark.  Index and middle finger gripped the plastic handle of the slicer/grater.  As I pulled it out, I felt a sting on my pinky.  Yep, the tomato slicer blade had slipped out and…

No stitches but it oozed for over a day?  astrologer sis asked.

Well, yeah.

Barely half an inch long, that shallow slice on my pinky would not stop bleeding and still oozed a drop this morning as I wrapped another bandage over it.   This is annoying because I have committed myself to The Artists Way for 12 weeks, which requires morning pages.  I love this process and was surprised I’d gotten out of the practice.  However, because of childhood issues, holding a pen to write in longhand for 3 whole pages ain’t gonna happen.  I have a Neo and type my morning pages, 20 minutes of non-stop typing, even with a bandaged pinky.

I have learned astrology by osmosis as my sis has taken her journey through the stars.  I know what it means that retrograde Mars is in my 12th house of restrictions.  It means my forward action energy has been shoved back into a cave of danger.  For about two months.  Then I’ll again move forward with a new purpose, just in time for Mercury to go retrograde in my career house.  This will herald missed communications and glitches and tricks.

That’s OK with me.  I read book 2 of The Dragonfire series this week.  Kiss of Fury was awesome.  I deliberately had to slow myself down from reading too fast so I could savor every page.

I don’t get vampires and zombies.  I don’t want to see an actual dragon fight – but – though it took mystical powers for a few centuries, the human part of these male dragons really know how to respect and delight their women.     They’ll even build a Green Machine that runs on salt water.

The next eclipe cycle of the moon – brings another awesome firestorm.

I’ll make a point to avoid sharp objects.  Let’s hope I’m not reaching into dark corners where a tarantula may be waiting.

raining drama

This past week I’ve analyzed ten contemporary romance novels for the dramatic threads, and studied and worked on techniques.   When I take a break from this work, drama surrounds me from movies, news of Haiti, deficits, unemployment, and even publishing blogs.  What was Amazon thinking?

Drama seeps through good stuff too, like the potential job offer a friend may have after almost two years out-of-work.   Friends and family sometimes call me just to vent, and my daughter can’t find her W-2.  Taxes.   My sister and I were going to get together and play today, in honor of our Mom’s birthday, but sis is sick.

I probably should have picked a historical or paranormal romance to read today but instead picked a nonfiction book.  While I like the style, stories and topic, it’s about clearing the drama from our soul journey on an individual level with a quiet and personal daily practice.  But in the stories I write, drama has to be resolved through action on the page and between the romantic partners.  Drama in story is not to be resolved with coincidences yet synchronicity is a tool to help dissolve drama for the soul journey.

This is a dilemma for my writer psyche because drama is bad for the story of my soul even though drama needs to be the soul of the story I write.

Sunshine is forecast by this weekend.  I plan to stand in the rays.